By Elyas Ahmadi
Warning: This report discusses suicide and a teenage girl’s attempt to kill herself. If this story raises any concerns for you, you can contact an online mental health support service https://ipso-care.com/ which offers services in Pashto and Farsi.
Nilab’s* life hangs in the balance. The teenager is fighting to survive a suicide attempt from three months ago. She can barely speak – she is still recovering from burns and scars left by the acid she drank on July 25.
Her family says Nilab had become increasingly depressed since the Taliban returned to power in Afghanistan in 2021. The decrees banning her from education and keeping her stuck at home were a heavy burden to bear.
This is Nilab’s story, as told by her family. It’s the story of a teenager who wanted to become a doctor, whose life now depends on the Pakistani doctors in a Karachi hospital where she is receiving treatment.
Humble and happy beginnings
Nilab was born seventeen years ago in a remote, green village in north-eastern Ghazni province. She grew up in the village and attended the local school. It was relatively peaceful in the village, her brother Farhad* says. Their childhoods were simple and content, surrounded by the beauty of the village. The exception was Nilab – she was noticeably intelligent.
“From the first grade to the eighth grade, she was holding the first position in her class,” Farhad says.
When Nilab was in the fifth grade, one day she picked up her brother’s phone and recorded herself giving a pretend speech. The ambition was already clear. “Nilab will become a doctor in the future,” she states in the video.
But in eighth grade, everything changed. It was August 2021. The former president Ashraf Ghani fled the country, the Afghan security forces collapsed, and the Taliban took control of Afghanistan. One of its first decrees was to close girls’ schools above the sixth grade.
That didn’t stop Nilab. Instead, she went to Kabul with her older sister to finish school through a private education center. The pair attended full time classes and also worked half a day in a women’s sewing shop in west Kabul to cover the expense of studying and living in Kabul.
But the Taliban soon came for the education centers too. In December 2022, after a year of lockdowns and other pressures relating to coronavirus, the group decreed that university and all educational centers were banned to girls and women.
There was also hope the decision would be reversed. There were rumours it would not be upheld. But finally in March 2023, Nilab and her sister packed the little luggage they had and returned to their village in Ghazni.
(The name of the village is not being shared at the request of the family.)
Slow and steady withdrawal
Nilab’s mother Shohra says she noticed the change in her youngest and happiest child almost immediately. Usually outgoing and humorous, Shohra says her daughter became one of the quietest and most withdrawn family members in a few months.
Farhad says that with everything that happened since the Taliban takeover and the pandemic, Nilab really hadn’t made much progress since the ninth grade. Her frustration and disappointment was evident. And slowly, she fell into depression.
In a recent report, UN Women and other humanitarian organisations have noted the serious rise of depression and mental illness among Afghan women and girls. There are concerns that the number of female suicides and suicide attempts is rising under the oppression of the Taliban decrees.
Farhad says the family noticed the change in her and they tried to help her. He was living abroad at the time and he’d send her book. Other family members would try to pay more attention to her mood.
But for Nilab, the one thing she wanted to do was taken from her. She felt that as long as the Taliban was in control, she would never be able to study. Her future was extremely bleak. Day after day, spending all her time at home only made it worse. Until finally on July 25, to stop the pain she was feeling, she tried to end her own life. She instantly regretted it.
On the brink of death
Nilab went to the living room where her family members were gathered. Her older sister noticed that Nilab’s face was deathly pale. They quickly learned that Nilab had swallowed acid, so her sister put her fingers down Nilab’s throat to force her to throw up. But the damage to her internal organs was already horrendous.
Her family rushed Nilab from their village to a hospital in Ghazni province that was a long drive. The doctor at the hospital examined Nilab and assured the family that she would be okay. But after four days, Nilab’s family realized her stomach was swelling, and she was only getting worse. So they took her to a major hospital in Kabul.
The doctor in Kabul said Nilab needed surgery. He said her oesophagus had holes in it and should be operated on. But the family didn’t trust the Afghan medical system for such a task, fearing Nilab would not survive it. So they make the difficult decision to send her to Pakistan for treatment.
Only love, no blame or shame
Farhad laments Nilab’s extreme sadness that led her to drink the acid.
“How does a child who never wanted even a drop of a sparrow’s blood to spill on the ground try to kill herself?” Farhad says.
“My sister – maybe all children are like this. She likes birds a lot,” he adds.
But her family are prepared to do whatever they can to ensure she recovers. On Farhad’s advice, Nilab was taken to Pakistan illegally because of the months it could take to get a visa there.
By August 5, she and her older sister joined Farhad in Pakistan. “When I saw her at the border, I hugged her,” he says. “I felt that she was so weak and emaciated – there was nothing left of her other than skin and bones.”
Now Nilab is struggling to stay alive, miles from her loved ones in Ghazni. Farhad and her older sister take care of her.
They have spent their life savings on her treatment. “I think about $10,000 has been used up to now,” he says.
“I don’t know, maybe it’s a sense of brotherhood, but sometimes I wish I could sell a part of my body to pay for the treatment so she can live.”
In the Karachi hospital, the examination results show that the tissue in Nilab’s oesophagus and part of her stomach have been severely damaged. They say it’s likely she will need several surgeries. But before they did the first surgery, Nilab needed to gain weight. The doctors hooked up a tube directly to Nilab’s digestive tract to feed her so she can tolerate an operation.
“My sister had lost so much weight that her weight went from 39 kilos to 29 kilos,” Farhad says.
After the first surgery, with the tube to Nilab’s intestine still connected, Farhad transferred Nilab to Quetta in Pakistan to save some money. But two months later, a mishap disconnected the feeding tube and they are forced to return to Karachi. The doctors operated a second time to reinsert the tube, and forbid them from returning to Quetta.
Hope for the future despite the cost
These days, sometimes when Nilab manages some words and has the strength to listen and interact, Farhad tries to encourage her and give her hope.
“For example, I say to her, get well and you can study here,” he says. “We will make a way for you to study in another country.”
What they don’t tell her is the family are struggling to pay for her treatment. According to Farhad, they have used up everything they can afford, and there is no money left to pay for doctors.
But there is relief that Nilab is interested in life again. The girl who tried to end it in a moment of desperation is fighting to survive. Farhad says he sees this in small things. “On the day the feeding tube was dislodged, there was a little blood around her stomach,” he says. “That morning, I saw her crying and she was saying, ‘I am afraid!’”
He understood that to mean not only had she not given up, but she wants to get better. She wants to survive. She wants to live.
Nilab’s story is not unique. It’s just one account that is becoming more common in Afghanistan. It’s a reality for an increasing number of girls and women who are taking extreme measures to stop living under a system of rule that denies them freedom and a future.
*At the request of the interviewees, the names in this report have been chosen as pseudonyms.
